


left behind (but not this time)

by Marauder_Girl



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Buck's abandonment issues, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Sexual Intimacy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:35:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23887564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marauder_Girl/pseuds/Marauder_Girl
Summary: “Until you’re not.” Buck whispered, shaking his head when Eddie took a step closer to offer comfort. “Until you all get sick of me because I’m exhausting, and I make everything all about me, and I ruin it, just like I ruin everything.”Coda to 3x16,
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 27
Kudos: 552





	left behind (but not this time)

Eddie’s phone started buzzing against his leg, showing that Buck was calling, his contact picture filling the screen. Eddie hurried to answer it, pressing the phone against his ear from where he was on the couch. “Hey! I was just thinking about you! Did you and Maddie talk?”

“Yeah.”

“How’d it go?” The resounding silence on the other end of the phone coupled with a little choked off sob skyrocketed Eddie’s concern for his best friend. “Buck?”

“Can I come over?”

“Of course, yeah. Anytime Buck, you know that.”

“I’m kind of already outside.”

Eddie glanced at the rain pouring down outside and hustled to the door, ripping it open to see the blonde man drenched to the bone.

“Jesus Buck!” Eddie reprimanded as he pulled Buck inside. “You’re going to get sick standing out there like that.” Buck made a soft, low sound in the back of his throat, not moving from where he was dripping right inside the doorway. “Okay, let’s get you dried off, huh?” Eddie said as gently as he could. “I’ll go grab you some towels.”

As he turned to leave, Buck’s hand shot out to grab his sleeve, clenching it tight enough to turn his knuckles white. “Don’t leave.” He whispered quietly his eyes trained on the ground.

“I’m just going to get you some towels, Buck.” Eddie said softly, taking his other hand and resting it on Buck’s. “I’ll just be in the other room. I’ll be right back.”

Buck blinked and seemed to shake himself, before loosening his grip and dropping his hand. “Sorry. Of course. Sorry.”

Eddie sent one more look towards his best friend, his chest aching with the way Buck was hunched in on himself, his eyes wide and hurt, and forced himself to hurry down the hall and grab some towels. After a second thought, he left them sitting on the bathroom counter, coming back to where he had left Buck standing. “C’mon Evan, let’s go.”

“Go?” Buck asked looking lost. Eddie felt his heart break just a little, looking at the man in front of him. He was unsure what had happened to night, but he knew he wanted to fix it, wanted to put Buck’s blinding smile back on his face.

“I want to get you warmed back up. You’re gonna take a nice hot shower.” Buck remained silent at this, his eyes darting up to meet Eddie’s before fixing themselves firmly back on the floor. “C’mon.” Eddie prodded, leading Buck down the hall to the bathroom. “Besides, Abuela says a shower can fix almost anything.”

“It can’t fix people leaving me.” Buck answered lowly, causing Eddie to stop in his tracks. Buck looked surprised to have said it, but didn’t elaborate, fixing Eddie with a sad look.

“Buck, no one’s leaving you. We’re all right here, I promise.”

“Until you’re not.” Buck whispered, shaking his head when Eddie took a step closer to offer comfort. “Until you all get sick of me because I’m exhausting, and I make everything all about me, and I ruin it, just like I ruin everything.” Eddie let out a shaky breath, searching for words, something to say to comfort the sad shell of a man in front of him, but Buck continued on. “Red’s gone. He died, Eddie and I couldn’t help him, I couldn’t make him better. Just like I wasn’t enough for Abby to stay or for Maddie to stay those two times and be safe, because I’m always too weak or too needy or too _much_ and no one ever stays.”

The way Buck uttered that declaration, with such certainty and a sad sort of confidence caused Eddie to twist his face up against the tears he felt springing to his eyes. “Evan I’m sorry.”

This, at least, caused Buck to look up, the dim light of the bathroom reflecting off the tears still hanging in his own eyes. “What?”

“I haven’t done enough to convince you that you’re a piece of this family. That we’ll never leave you behind. I should have never left you alone the other day.”

“Eddie, it’s not on you! See, this is what I mean! I get too needy, and I want too much from other people, I want things they can’t give —”

“What do you want from me that I can’t give you?”

Buck opened his mouth and then closed it, shaking his head. “Please Eddie, I don’t want to talk about it. I’m done talking about it.”

“How am I supposed to help you if you won’t let me?” Eddie asked, his voice rising to a level that would certainly wake Christopher down the hall. He took a breath, rubbing a hand over his face before continuing. “I never thought I’d be the one advocating for talking, but Buck this is clearly eating you up inside. _Please_ talk to me. I’m your best friend.”

Buck gave a sad imitation of a smile, the corner of his mouth just barely pulling up. “Yeah, you prefer to work it on in the ring.”

“Yeah, until someone,” Here he nudged Buck on the shoulder, “convinced me that I needed help.”

“Pretty sure that was Bobby.”

“Pretty sure I didn’t listen until you got me to.” Eddie replied, surprising himself with the truth of that statement. He had never thought about it, but now it seemed obvious that he fought Bobby almost every step of the way until Buck got involved and wouldn’t quit on him.

Buck remained quiet for a few minutes, before speaking, and this time, his voice was a bit stronger than before. “I don’t think you can help though.”

“How will we know unless you tell me?” Eddie patiently asked, cocking a brow when Buck shrugged, and then shrugged again, shivering. “Shit, you must be freezing. C’mon let’s go, into the shower with you.”

“Eddie, I’m not 8.” Buck protested, the ghost of a laugh hanging around the edges of his smile.

“I know.” Eddie deadpanned, turning on the shower. “My 8-year-old is easier to get in the shower than this.”

Buck’s smile grew a little, before dimming again. “Would you — will you —” He sighed, clearly frustrated with his inability to vocalize his question. “Could you stay in here while I shower?” He finally asked, his words running together with how fast he asked. “I know it’s weird, I just I need to know you’re here.” Eddie blinked at him, his mind trying to process the request, trying to process the fact that Buck needed _him,_ and Buck took this silence as rejection to his ask. “Sorry, I’m sorry. That’s too much, I know, Eddie I’m —"

Eddie grabbed his hand, interrupting Buck’s frantic apologizing, and smiled softly at the other man. “I would do anything for you, you know that right? Of course, I’ll stay here for you. I want to make sure you feel safe.”

“It’s just…if I can see you or hear you, I know you didn’t leave me.”

Eddie’s heart ached for the man in front of him, who had clearly been broken and left behind so many times that his expectation was to be left from one second to the next. “I know.” He settled for saying, sending Buck an encouraging smile. “Go get warm. I’ll be right here.”

After Buck had showered and finally gotten dry, Eddie handed him a pair of sweatpants and a sweater from his dresser, smiling at the sight of the other man in his clothes.

“What?” Buck finally asked, as they sat on Eddie’s bed, Buck still shivering occasionally. “You’ve been giving me weird looks ever since we came in here.”

Eddie blushed a little at being caught but grinned at the other man anyways. “You’re just…incredible Evan. I’m in awe of you, truly. You give so much to everyone else mi amor and even when life shuts you down, you get up and try again. You have such a beautiful heart, and I hate that others haven’t taken good care of it.” Eddie paused, before soldiering on, knowing that if there was ever a moment that Buck needed to hear it, it was now. “I would take good care of it.”

“What?” Buck questioned, shock finally intruding on the sadness that had been written all over Buck’s face the entire night.

“If you chose to give me your heart, to let me love you…I’d make sure to treasure it like the gift it is.”

“You…let you love me?”

“I know we’re best friends, and maybe that’s all this is to you. That’s fine too Buck, I promise. You’ll still be family. But I…I realized I was in love with you after the lawsuit, and tonight I think you deserve to know that someone loves you unconditionally and won’t leave you.”

“But —” Buck’s brow furrowed, his lips moving as he tried to make sense of what Eddie was telling him. “Unconditionally?” He finally asked, his voice breaking a little.

“There is nothing you could do that would make me, or Christopher for that matter, love you any less. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes, but the key is to love them through their mistakes, not give up and leave them.”

Buck let out a strangled sob, turning to bury his face in Eddie’s shoulder, his hands grabbing fistfuls of Eddie’s shirt. “Don’t do this because I’m sad Eddie. I don’t want you to say it because you think I’m a danger to myself or that I’m broken or… I need to know it’s real.”

“It is.” Eddie promised giving him a soft kiss to the forehead. “I’m real, and you’re real and this is real. I may have told you because I hate to see you like this, but I’ve felt this way for a while. I promise, you’re never going to be left behind, not while I’m around.”

“But I —” Buck protested, lifting his head slightly, and Eddie was quick to press a kiss to his temple, running a hand through Buck’s now unruly curls.

“I know I haven’t always proven that mi amor, and I’m sorrier than I can say. But I promise you now, that as long as I live, you’re always going to have a place here with me and Christopher.”

Buck shuddered against him for some time, an imitation of a sob, making quiet desperate noises whenever Eddie moved too much. “I don’t know what to say.” He finally said, lifting his head again to look Eddie in the eyes. “This — you and Chris — you’re all I’ve wanted for so long but I — I’m messed up Eddie. I clearly have abandonment issues, and I dive in without thinking and I’m a mess and I don’t want you to suddenly realize this and leave. Because I’m not sure I would still be standing if you ever left.”

Eddie’s mind flashed to what Bobby had told him about what had happened when he had been buried underground, of Buck clawing at the mud, desperate to save him, to find him and bring him home alive. He hugged Buck a little tighter to him and smiled slightly. “The perk of being your best friend for two years is that I already know all this stuff Buck. Maybe you’re not perfect, but I’m not either. I’m not great at communicating, and I have a hard time trusting other people, and I make decisions about other people without consulting them. But the key is that we’re going into this together Evan. And that no matter what, we know the other person is always going to be our safe space to land.”

Buck hummed in thought, tucking his head back into the Eddie’s shoulder. They sat in silence for a while, each savoring the closeness of the other.

“Of course,” Eddie started after a while. “If you feel uncomfortable or unsure or even if you don’t want to be in the kind of relationship with me, that’s okay. You’re still a part of this family, and we still won’t ever leave you.”

“Did you miss the part where I said I loved you back?” Buck asked, bringing his head back. “Because I’m pretty sure I said it.”

“Might need you to say it again mi amor, just so I know I heard it.” teased Eddie, smiling when he heard Buck laugh for the first time tonight.

“I love you.” Buck murmured, pressing a kiss to Eddie’s cheek. Eddie returned the kiss, about to return the sentiment as well when Buck’s face split into a yawn, exhaustion clearly sinking in fast.

“Okay, bedtime.” Eddie decided, pulling them both up, so he could wrestle back the covers. “C’mon.” He cajoled, getting Buck to lay on the bed. “We both need some sleep.”

“What are we doing though?” Buck asked, the fatigue clear through his words.

“Well we’re going to sleep.” Eddie said, pressing a quick kiss to his temple, as he turned off the light. “And then tomorrow morning Christopher will probably demand pancakes. Then, we’ll figure it out as it comes. Together.”

“Oh. I like that.” Buck mumbled, his eyes slipping shut as he nuzzled back into the other man.

Eddie wrapped an arm around Buck’s stomach and pulled him closer, spooning Buck tightly. “Me too mi amor. Me too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Should I be writing my Big Bang? Yes. Did I whip this out in under 2 hours? Also yes. Am I emotional about Buck? Another yes. 
> 
> As always, find me on tumblr at marauder-girl or at my new co-managed tumblr, dailyeddiediaz.


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